Thoughts
by melja
Summary: Angsty Dean poem, hope you like it. Please read and review.


**Hi everyone, I re-wrote this because crazygal360 reviewed it and asked me very nicely to write more, I didn't want to write a new chapter so I just added some extra bits. I hope you like it crazygal360, please let me know. This is for you.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing at all ever…ten minutes later…nope still don't!**

**I warn you this is still just complete, utter jumbled mush, with a bit more structure than the first version! There is plenty of Dean angst in this, hope you like it. Dean POV. I think this could be something that Dean wrote to release his feelings and hid it.**

Thoughts 

No chick flick moments,

That means, I don't want to talk about it,

Because it may send me over the edge.

I am already bordering on the edge of a cliff,

Like a feather in-between two blades of grass.

And I really don't want to be pushed.

Because sometimes when you turn something on,

It breaks and you can't turn it off again.

Like a kettle, it all boils and bubbles over.

I'm not comfortable with letting my emotions take over,

I've never really been shown how to deal with them,

Dad's not the best role model when it comes to emotions.

I guess I can deal with anger, just blast some evil assed demons brains out.

But loss sadness guilt and fear,

They scare me more than anything.

I don't think I could handle it if you or Dad died,

I still can't handle mom dying,

I don't think I will ever forget that night.

The moment mom died,

Dad stepped into this freaky business,

And dragged us along with him.

He never stopped to ask us if we wanted to do this

He never gave us a choice,

But you grew up strong enough to make your own choices.

And looking back over the last year,

When I picked you up from Stanford,

I feel rather guilty.

I didn't give you much choice,

You had your cushy new life

And I dragged you away.

You had your gorgeous girlfriend,

Your wonderful college, life was good for you

Then I turned up and everything fell to pieces.

I just thought that hunting together again,

Would help us find him faster,

You know, your brains, my kick ass moves.

Then perhaps this could all be over,

I wanted us to be a family again,

I want to stop this revenge thing.

I agree this demon needs its head caving in,

But the price of revenge is too much,

Our lives are worth more than that.

I don't want the price of revenge

To be the loss of our family

It will be the end of us all.

You and Dad are selfish, all my life,

After mom died,

No one really thought about me.

Nobody asked me what I would like,

I would love a family in the future,

But at the moment I need our family together.

Plus this job doesn't give you the chance to get close,

And when I did get close,

She thought I was crazy.

How do you know that I enjoy hunting?

I do it because I have to,

I do it because he tells me to.

Why do you think I don't want a normal life?

I would love a normal life, but

We are not normal, we will never be normal.

I only hunt because it's all I've known,

But I like saving people,

It will be the death of me.

It nearly was at one point,

It should have been, everything comes at a price,

And you know that Sammy.

You shouldn't have done what you did,

I should be at peace now,

Every soldier dies at some point.

We have to understand,

Sometimes there is nothing you can do,

But I love that you didn't give up.

This brotherly bond we have is strong,

So strong that as long as I live,

I will always watch your back.

And ever since I was four,

I have taken care of you,

Because he didn't have the time.

He was busy hunting monsters,

And while I looked after you,

My childhood was shortened.

It has been worth looking after you,

If anything happened now Sammy,

I think that gust of wind might just be welcome.

I gave up my dreams. Hell, I stopped dreaming.

That's why I never told anyone

That I wanted to be a fireman.

I wanted to be a fireman,

Because at four years old

I thought it was a fire that killed mom.

When I found out the truth,

I guess I did willingly join Dad,

But now it would be nice for it to be over.

And now looking back on everything,

I don't regret it all, just some,

This life is worth living, we have the chance to make a difference.

**Finally finished, I'm not sure whether I've missed something; some parts seem a little short. **

**Thank you very much for reading and please let me know what you think, all views are appreciated.**

**Mel.**


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